9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing drag-arse no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

2 Tough Questions

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.


Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.


Candidate A.


Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.




Candidate B.


He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C


<>He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

Top 10 Reasons Fishing Is Better Than Sex

10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK

9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE

8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY

7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD

6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH

5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT

4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH

3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE

2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK

1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

A Junior Philosopher..

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with

your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three

women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her

cone, which one is married?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But

I like the way you are thinking".

The Teacher Fainted...

The First Date

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest.

A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."

So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her.

She answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Mona? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."

He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"

Some difference

For the first time in many years, an old man went to a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handling the attendant $.50,
he could not help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grim, "You are really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Car Sell

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Drink Horlicks !

Rohit (tall and very thin) was standing at the bus stop. Suddenly a car stops and a beautiful girl waves to him. Rohit was surprised but he recognized her... she was Jasmine an old batch mate but he wondered why she was calling him. Because she never gave a drop to anyone in the college but anyhow he sat in the car and Jasmine gave him a warm welcome ( kaise ho kya kar rahe ho etc).
Then Jasmine asked him to have coffee with her and now Rohit was surprised. He gave consent. Suddenly Jasmine says lets go to my house ...there are a lot of people in the cafe. Rohit thought aab to mazaa aa jaaiga.
When they reach home Jasmine asks Rohit ....why don`t we sit in my bed room as the AC is only in that room. Now Rohit was sure Jasmine phas gai hai and he starts dreaming about her. As he entered the room Jasmine asked Rohit why don`t you take off your shirt, you are sweating and Rohit again starts dreaming.
And Jasmine asks him to be comfortable and said I will back in a minute. And Rohit was alone in the room thinking about Jasmine.Then after five minutes Jasmine entered the room .....with her 2 children and told them,
"Dekho bachon agar horlicks nahin piyoge to body iskei jaissi ho jaigi."( Children, If you don`t drink horlicks, your body`ll become like this)

Wife`s Headstone

Charlie was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rita dies. At the cemetery, Joe's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

"Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."

Charlie was standing in front of Rita's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita's headstone."

Through his tears, Joe sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number."

3 Orgasms A Night

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Riding The Camel

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Important rules for men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Practicing

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Long Marriage

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

The Last Word

A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word".

His friend: "What is the word?"

The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"

Together At Last

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, "At last they're together. At last they're together."

A mourner whispers, "Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!"

The first mourner responds, "I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!"