JOKES HOT

Sexologist

2008-05-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

Banta and Preeto came to a sexologist.
“Doctor, we’re married for a few months already, and we love each other, but we get no pleasure whatsoever from our lovemaking.”
“Hmmm. Maybe you should try another position. Like this.”
The doctor described the new position.
Banta said, “Doctor, thank you very much. Would you kindly permit us to try it here?”
“Just go behind that screen and try.”
After a while the doctor asked, “So?”
“No pleasure whatsoever, doctor.”
“Hmmm. Then try one more position.”
Banta and Preeto again went behind the screen. The doctor heard some sounds suggesting that the new position did help indeed. However, when they reappeared from behind the screen, they again complained that they had no feelings whatsoever. As to the sounds, they just tried to excite themselves by saying certain words, but it did not help.
“Hmmm,” the doctor said. “It’s a hard case. Let me call your family doctor.”
The sexologist dialed the family doctor’s number and told about the hard case he was treating.
“Kick them out,” the family doctor said. “They just make rounds through all doctors’ offices in the city as they live with her parents and do not have a place of their own.

Exams ke 4 din

2008-05-06T07:40:00.001-07:00

Exams ke 4 din pehle syllabus dekha to yaad aaya,
Kuch To Hua Hai Kuch Ho Gaya Hai,
Exams ke din paper dekh kar yaad aaya,
Sab Kuch Alag Hai Sab Kuch Naya Hai

Stay in West Virginia

2008-05-06T07:39:00.004-07:00

Contrary to what the lousy song says, Country Roads do NOT always take you home.

You dream of a life that will involve a paved road.

You grow tired of tourists stopping by, asking for directions to the state of “South Virginia”, and driving off in a fit of laughter.

You’re stuck with AM Radio…AM COUNTRY radio.

You’ve grown tired of seeing the group “Glass Tiger” at the local Acorn Festival each year.

The sheep won’t take your “abuse” anymore and they are planning a revolt.

Hayrides are still limited to just 10 mph.

The local theatre’s performance of “Les Miserables” left something, no A LOT, to be desired.

You’ve had it with those pesky revenuers destroying your stills of “shine”.

No matter how hard you try, your cows don’t appear receptive to chasing or catching that Frisbee.

Time to do the laundry

2008-05-06T07:39:00.003-07:00

The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry
You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
You’ve worn your sheets to school because you can’t get them off of you.
Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
Your roommate walks around […]

A relationship is over

2008-05-06T07:39:00.001-07:00

The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over
All of a sudden, she’s typing in a different font.
Instead of hearing that lovely “You’ve Got Mail” statement when you use America OnLine, you hear “You Just Got Dumped!”
Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
You get a Dear John E-mai…Your name is Fred. […]

Flying on a bad airline

2008-05-06T07:38:00.001-07:00

The Top 10 Signs You’re Flying On A Bad Airline
The engine’s being held on by duct tape.
You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
In-flight movie has “Ernest” in its title.
Pilot informs you that you’re at cruising altitude and he’s gonna put the top down. […]

rupa

2008-05-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

agar rupa ki baniyan pahenoge
agar rupa ki baniyan pahenoge
agar rupa ki baniyan pahenoge
TO RUPA KYA PAHENEGE
hain

After Honeymoon

2008-05-05T01:28:00.003-07:00

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

Honeymoon Spots

2008-05-05T01:28:00.001-07:00

Sardar to his wife during honeymoon, bolo priye kya gum hai.

Wife, load jyada hai aur voltage kam hai.

raise in salary

2008-05-05T01:15:00.000-07:00

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

I am willing to work any shift.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated work area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you have been constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

9 Types of Girlfriends

2008-05-05T01:14:00.002-07:00

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing drag-arse no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

Do You Know?

2008-05-05T01:14:00.001-07:00

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. --- Tom Clancy

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. --- Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. --- Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. --- Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. --- Lynn Lavner

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist. --- Matt Barry

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. --- George Burns

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. --- George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. --- Sharon Stone

My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading. ---Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computer)

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. --- Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. --- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) (and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. --- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.--- Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.--- Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. --- Robert De Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? --- Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --- Jerry Seinfeld

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. --- Rod Stewart

All about breast

2008-05-05T01:13:00.001-07:00

oo A cups

{O}{O} D cups

(^)(^) Cold breasts

(< )(< ) Perky breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) Pierced breasts

(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts

(-)(-) Flat against the shower door breasts

lollol Android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(ooo) Total Recall breasts (she had three!)

Breasts during a mammogram

2008-05-05T01:12:00.002-07:00

* ^ * Flat chest

(+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) High nipple breasts

(@)(@) Big nipple breasts

Type of Breasts

2008-05-05T01:12:00.001-07:00

Types of Breasts

. . Itty bitty titties

()() Little breasts

(.)(.) Nice breasts

(o)(o) Perfect breasts

(D)(D) Bullets

(O)(O) Handful breasts

(~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts

\o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts

Women in Police Station

2008-05-05T01:11:00.001-07:00

A woman goes to the police station and complains that she has been raped by an Indian batsman.
The policeman askes how she knew he was Indian.
She replies, "Well, he wasn`t in for very long" !

Funny

2008-05-05T01:09:00.003-07:00

Twinkle Twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TEACHER= Name four members of the cat family?

STUDENTS= Daddy cat,Mummy cat and two kittens !

Just For Fun

2008-05-05T01:09:00.001-07:00

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.

I wrote your name in air,it was blown away.then

I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack .

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .

He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi .

He saw me in dark, he created light .

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

GUYS,THIS IS JUST FOR FUN.

2008-05-05T01:08:00.000-07:00

1) Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters.
......

2) Sex ?
Occasionally

3) What's your age group ?
Equal to 0

4) What is 2 + 2 = _?
IV

5) If you have one brother,how many brothers does he have ?
Question is too personal

6) If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise,would you get
100 Paise ?

7) Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three secntences.
Err...

8) If the time is 3.00 A.M., what does your digital watch show ?
3:00 A.M.,

9) At what time does the 11:16 Indrayani Express come ?
Thinking...I Dont Know

10) If A = B and B = C,then is B = A ?
Out of Syllabus

11) If you eat lunch during lunch-time,what will you have during dinner-time ?
You fast at that time

12) Think and write the present tense of Thought..
Thought

13) This is question number
Cant Count

14) If 2 + 3 = 5, is 3 + 2 = 5 ?
Impossible

15) Write the full form of ASAP,as soon as possible.
Impossible

16) What is the capital of India ?
This is a tricky question..

17) "a, e, i, o, u" are collectively called vowels.What are "e, a, o, u,i"
.....

18) Who was the first MAN to land on moon ?
This one is tough..

19) What comes first ?
Hen

20) Can you count more than give using only your one hand's fingers ?
No

21) Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y
Oei !

22) Mrs Sinha is Mr Sinha's
Son

23) To reach the 12th floor of a skyscraper how many buttons would you press in the elevator ?
i'll take the stairs

24) Complete the following series..
....

25) The Sun is nearer to India than America because
i dont have time left to think

26) How do you make ice cubes ?
Ask Neighbour

27) Have you used a computer ?
What's a computer ?

28) Kaal kitni prakaar kay hotey hai ?
5

28)1) Also Choose which are :
i choose Sat Sri Akal

29) Where does the sun go at night ?
Havent followed to see where it goes..

30) Did you reach the last question of the paper ?
Oei ! i dont want to think extra yaar !

2 Tough Questions

2008-05-05T01:07:00.002-07:00

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C

<>He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

Top 10 Reasons Fishing Is Better Than Sex

2008-05-05T01:07:00.001-07:00

10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK

9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE

8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY

7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD

6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH

5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT

4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH

3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE

2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK

1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

A Junior Philosopher..

2008-05-05T01:05:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with

your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three

women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her

cone, which one is married?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But

I like the way you are thinking".

The Teacher Fainted...

The First Date

2008-05-02T03:56:00.002-07:00

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest.

A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."

So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her.

She answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Mona? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."

He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"

Some difference

2008-05-02T03:56:00.001-07:00

For the first time in many years, an old man went to a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handling the attendant $.50,
he could not help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grim, "You are really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Car Sell

2008-05-02T03:54:00.000-07:00

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Drink Horlicks !

2008-05-02T03:53:00.002-07:00

Rohit (tall and very thin) was standing at the bus stop. Suddenly a car stops and a beautiful girl waves to him. Rohit was surprised but he recognized her... she was Jasmine an old batch mate but he wondered why she was calling him. Because she never gave a drop to anyone in the college but anyhow he sat in the car and Jasmine gave him a warm welcome ( kaise ho kya kar rahe ho etc).
Then Jasmine asked him to have coffee with her and now Rohit was surprised. He gave consent. Suddenly Jasmine says lets go to my house ...there are a lot of people in the cafe. Rohit thought aab to mazaa aa jaaiga.
When they reach home Jasmine asks Rohit ....why don`t we sit in my bed room as the AC is only in that room. Now Rohit was sure Jasmine phas gai hai and he starts dreaming about her. As he entered the room Jasmine asked Rohit why don`t you take off your shirt, you are sweating and Rohit again starts dreaming.
And Jasmine asks him to be comfortable and said I will back in a minute. And Rohit was alone in the room thinking about Jasmine.Then after five minutes Jasmine entered the room .....with her 2 children and told them,
"Dekho bachon agar horlicks nahin piyoge to body iskei jaissi ho jaigi."( Children, If you don`t drink horlicks, your body`ll become like this)

Wife`s Headstone

2008-05-02T03:53:00.001-07:00

Charlie was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rita dies. At the cemetery, Joe's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

"Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."

Charlie was standing in front of Rita's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita's headstone."

Through his tears, Joe sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number."

3 Orgasms A Night

2008-05-02T03:52:00.002-07:00

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Riding The Camel

2008-05-02T03:52:00.001-07:00

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Important rules for men

2008-05-02T03:51:00.000-07:00

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Practicing

2008-05-02T03:50:00.000-07:00

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Long Marriage

2008-05-02T03:49:00.000-07:00

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

The Last Word

2008-05-02T03:48:00.002-07:00

A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word".

His friend: "What is the word?"

The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"

Together At Last

2008-05-02T03:48:00.001-07:00

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, "At last they're together. At last they're together."

A mourner whispers, "Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!"

The first mourner responds, "I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!"

Who Is Listening

2008-05-02T03:47:00.001-07:00

During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife hears.

During the second year, the wife speaks and the husband hears.

During the third year both of them speak, but only the neighbours hear.